Four months out and I’m still standing. I honestly never thought I’d be able to get here. To get here and be smiling. It’s really bittersweet. All through the last 4 years my worst fear was being left. And it happened. And I’m okay. I’m allowing this whole thing to shape me. I’m no longer going to let fear of the unknown rule my life. My life has been shattered, and instead of relying on someone else to help me find the pieces for the first time (in a REALLY long time) I’m doing it for myself.
For a girl who was so scared to lose herself, I really did a number on the both of us. I not only lost myself, I lost him, and what we had. I also realize now that what we had near the end was a shadow of what we started as. And it breaks my heart. My heart breaks daily, but its no longer just for me, its for us.
Now its up to me to find out who this girl is. I forgot that I was actually funny to other people. I haven’t always been socially awkward. I can enjoy being by myself with a book, but now I know that its not my only option to get through the days. I’m going to start defining myself by my own terms, and no longer in terms of we or he. I NEED to learn to put myself first and I can’t believe that for 26 years I haven’t ever really done that. Now’s my time.
it’s definitely your time. i believe in you. ((HUGE HUGS)) also…i nominated you/gave you a blog award. you can read about it on my blog. love you lots friend!