I’m starting the year off well. I guess. I’m making good decisions and bad decisions and I’m deciding to call neither of them mistakes. I’m having fun and exploring what life has to offer me. I have no ties, nor responsibilities to keep me grounded and I have to say that I plan on taking FULL advantage of it.

Am I happier in 2011 than I was in 2010? I guess? It’s a completely different ball game this time. I feel as if I’m about to jump off a diving board into a pool full of jello and sharks. Both things are awesome and yet scary. (I’m looking at you jello) I guess I’m just trying to find my place in life now that what I thought was my life path is completely blown apart. What’s even funnier? Now that I’m here…I don’t know if I could ever go back down that path again anyway. Oh hindsight, you really are 20/20.

So here is to 2011! A year of possibility, a year of dating, a year of not dating, a year of learning, a year of growing, a year of fun, and a most importantly a year of change.

For a girl who was so scared to lose herself,  I really did a number on the both of us. I not only lost myself, I lost him, and what we had.  I also realize now that what we had near the end was a shadow of what we started as. And it breaks my heart. My heart breaks daily, but its no longer just for me, its for us.

Now its up to me to find out who this girl is. I forgot that I was actually funny to other people. I haven’t always been socially awkward. I can enjoy being by myself with a book, but  now I know that its not my only option to get through the days. I’m going to start defining myself by my own terms, and no longer in terms of we or he. I NEED to learn to put myself first and I can’t believe that for 26 years I haven’t ever really done that. Now’s my time.

This is so silly. I shouldn’t even be upset. Okay. These are the last few tears, and this this is me putting on my resolve face. The next 18 months are going to fly by. And I get to go to Vegas a lot during the 18 months. This will be fun.

I’m really hoping.

Is it possible to lose it?

I think I might be.

Positive thoughts.

I’m going to be okay.

I have to be.

I am really proud of you. You have successfully proven that you can live completely on your own. I have to admit that there have been times when I thought you wouldn’t be strong enough to do it, but once again you have proven…,well, me I guess, wrong.  I have no doubt in my mind that your long distance relationship will work out. I know that this will make you two even stronger than before.

I also want to say how impressed I am that you have made it to your last year of college. After this semester (spring 2011) you will be student teaching. (Have you decided if you are doing your student teaching in England yet?) You have grown into a strong and confident young teacher, and I am so happy to be you. I never thought this day would come, but here it is,  and here you are. So close to being finished.

This school and move to a new city was the best choice you could have made. Change has never been something you have handled well, and I think this profession has really taught you a lot about that as well. I’m even starting to relate every life change to education, this is a quality I’m sure you’ve become very used to.

I am so in awe of the fact that you know that where you are is exactly where you are supposed to be. I have trouble getting outside my bubble of fear. I can’t help but worry if I’m making the right choices, and I think about you and how confident and assured you are that it gives me solace. Thank you.

With all of the self love I can give,

Audrey

I am becoming a fan of affirmations. I usually feel at my worst because I want to, and I know now that it doesn’t have to be like that. I wrote this letter as a sort of if I write it she will come thing. I am seriously going to love Audrey a year from now. I have a feeling everyone else will too.

January brought forth

New Years Day:

and lots of adventures while Sean and I were on break like trips to the art museum and Discovery World:

February brought Valentines day and my surprise gift a trip to the Jelly Belly Factory:

March brought mind numbingly cold days:

With april came spring and love in the form of my beautiful friends Becca and Dan’s wedding:

May brought massive amounts of studying:

Kari’s, my friend since second grade, wedding reception:

A St. Louis Cardinals vs Milwaukee Brewers baseball game with family:

June brought our new apartment (sorry no pictures until december)

Reading on the beach by our new apartment:

Picnics by the lake:

July brought beautiful fireworks:

My bestest friends visit to the new place and the zoo!:

August was the time of when the bath tub tried to eat me:

Ryan and Natalie’s beautiful wedding:

With September came a trip to the apple orchard:

October ate up all of my time, there are no pictures in october. So here is some one else’s picture of my school in the fall because this is where I was 95% of the time:

November brought Sean’s gross mustache and the Bruce Springsteen Concert:

More schoolwork in the form of my first bulletin board:

December meant the end of the semester and the end of me not being able to hear out of my left ear for 2+ years thanks to this guy:

We also had our first party:

And Sean’s and my last picture of 2009:

I hope you enjoyed me journey through 2009! Here’s hoping you and I both have an amazing 2010!

I’m stressed. Anxious. Fat. The holy trinity of all things to make you fee less than special for your special day. I feel totally lost and jaded and all I want to do is crawl into bed and never make any plans to get out of it.

I really should be doing homework right now instead of blogging, and because I am not I am getting increasingly more anxious. This is what a school without a grading system does to you. I almost long for anonymity in the classroom and knowing that what I wrote for a paper was A worthy, not full of writing on how to improve my work, or what interesting insights I have made on the subject.

Okay. Now I really must start that homework. Hooray for 25.

First full week of classes started this week. I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed. My field experience which should be fun and exciting (I’m going to be in a kindergarten class room) will completely eat up my time. Not only do we have to have 25 hours, of those 25 hours we have to spend an entire day in the classroom. And also attend something that parents attend. PTO meeting, parent teacher conference. I’m sorry but I do have other things in my life to do. Oh well what can you do?

Sean celebrated his birthday on monday as well. I was broke, but my parents are amazing and bought him Bruce Springsteen tickets for when he comes to milwaukee in november. So excited! And he was thrilled!

The day care is well… the day care. I am in the same room as last semester which is now the running joke with all of the teachers. I am the only T.A. that hasn’t worked in a different room in 3 semesters. Crazy 2-3 year olds. All of which are the cutest kids ever. But they are a serious handful this semester. I just sit there sometimes and just stare, because it really is chaos.

One of my “favorites” is this little boy who cracks me up. He is so intense it’s cute. His eyes are always the size of half dollars when he has something to tell me. One day I walked into class and he just yells at me, “LOOK AT MY FACE!!” I told him I didn’t see anything. He then responds, “IT HAS CRUMBS ON IT!!” I told him to get a paper towel to wipe his face and that was a good enough answer for him.

Or my favorite story of him is, one day a little girl was telling me that she was a little girl, and that I was a girl, and so when I asked her what the little boy was she said that he was a boy. Well this answer displeased my little friend because he responded, “I’m NOT a boy. I am a FIREMAN!”

Seriously, I love this age group. I’m really excited to be an early childhood educator. I just worry that the time will either go by too quickly or much too slowly for my liking.

Today has been a day of relaxing in between frantic errand running. I have been approved to work out at the school’s fitness center (something I must do because I fear pretty soon I will just turn into a very spherical shape and NO ONE wants that), finished some final paperwork to become employed for the school’s ambassador program. I am going to be a spiffy tour guide! Which means I will probably have to invest in some more school merch. Yikes.

I am going to try to update more frequently, especially as I get into my field experiments and stuff. I think it would be really neat to see how that goes and update on it.

Other than that life has been pretty sweet. Sean and I have been hanging out the past couple of weeks which has been nice and much needed. Especially because it looks like this semester we aren’t going to be seeing much of each other. Especially as he works on his capstone project and tutors. *sigh*

As for the future that is completely up in the air. And it freaking scares me to death. I have no idea where I am going to be a year from now depending on his schooling. I mean I’ll be in milwaukee, but I may have to go and live in the dorms, which yikes. We’ll see though I’m not going to stress about it. Okay must go now. I’ll update again soon. Promise.